JD Vance not to blame for Pope's demise
Additional reporting courtesy of DPB Insider
Contrary to the editorial stance of many news outlets, we can reveal what we think is the true story behind the elevation of Pope Francis to the vaults of Heaven.
A delegation from the Dooagh Pipe Band led by bass drummer, Tommy English, was present in the Vatican during the final days of the Pontiff's reign. On his way to Rome from Knock Airport via Lanzarote, Mr English had explained the purpose of the journey: "St. Patrick's Day 2026 is going to be a very exciting one. It's unfortunate that Pope Francis hasn't received any of my several missives inviting him to say Mass in Irish in Pollagh, before leading the parade to Mass in Dookinella in a Popemobile customised to allow for the carrying of the Tricolour."
In response to the obvious question, Mr English said: "I never got a reply, so of course he didn't receive my letters." Mr English continued: "I'm not sure if the fault lies with An Post, or the Italian postal system. I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect." He denied stanning the Pope, before going on to say that the decision to meet the Pontiff was the obvious next step, and if he was unable to speak with His Holiness face to face, he would be ready with a letter formed into a paper aeroplane. Having practiced for some hours, Mr English said he was confident of hitting the target from a distance of up to 50 metres.
Given how events unfolded, it's safe to say that a reply is unlikely to be forthcoming.
